I'm not sure if I have borderline personality disorder. I am more concerned about it now because it seems my father and I are very alike and he is getting worse as he ages. I grew up being scared of everything. I was extremely shy and HATED being alone. When we had to turn off the TV and I had to go to bed, I wasn't afraid of the going to sleep part...it was the being alone and everything being quiet. I hated it so much, that was the time (during the night/morning) that I would throw up from anxiety. I had huge difficulties in making friends and always felt like a victim because I thought I was a loser and no one liked me. I totally disassociated from everyone around me. I didn't let anyone in. My anxiety never went away. Actually, it was so bad - when I was home, I ddin't want to be home (because my parents faught) - when I was at school, I didn't want to be at school. It affected me physically...my periods were awful. When I got older and moved out at age 25 - I had to work - it was terrible. I hated it. Every time I had to "wake up" to reality, it hurt me physically and mentally. I tried for years and years to deal with that pain with medication, alternative therapy, yoga, acupuncture, massage, tai chi, relaxation therapy etc etc etc. It didn't get any better. My spending habits were atrocious - I was about $40,000 in debt and I had to file for bankruptcy. I was also eating and eating and eating. After I was fired from my job - which I took very personally - I went on disability. I tried to work on and off again. Now I am 40. I am not working. I am finally not in pain mentally. From the years of being so tense and stressed all the time, I now have difficulty walking - I have osteoarthritis among many other problems. I actually feel happier than I've ever been. The only problem is (at least other people see this as a problem), I don't really accomplish anything. I sit at home, isolated from everyone - I finally got used to being alone - and since I am alone, I feel like I'm not being pulled to and fro with emotions - because I used to be affected by anything people said to me - especially if there was any criticism - even if they didn't mean to criticize, I would take the wrong way. With people, anything they said - if it was negative towards me, I would not be able to let it go...I had to discuss it until I was happy with the outcome. When I was young, I used to self-harm myself and bang my head on the wall and keep saying, "you are so stupid, so ugly" etc. I don't do that anymore - the only reason is because I'm not getting any feedback from anyone - I guess the negative part of that is that I won't hear anything positive from anyone either - because I'm not around people. Even people who live at my apartment building - 97% of them think that I'm a new tenant when they see me - when I have actually been here for 5 years. I don't know if I should do anything about this. I do think that someday I may regret all the years that I've done nothing to reach out....but for about 4 years now, I have been avoiding the outside world altogether. I pay someone to deliver my groceries. I pay someone to drive me to the bank so I don't have to associate with too many people. I'm in my own little world. I see my father does this too. Although he is becoming more aggressive towards my mother as he gets older. He says things to insult her - he blurts it out. He sits in front of the computer all day. He wouldn't eat except that my mom makes the meals and makes him come out to eat it. He finally joined a group of men who talk at a coffee shop - but when he comes home, he picks apart everyone that he was just with as a group. He is very negative. He also is similar to me in that he fusses and gets all upset about doing anything new - or going out/leaving the house for anything. And when it's over, he is so relieved. There is so much more to say, but I just want to sort of have an idea of where to start talking with my psyciatrist. I have for many years been diagnosed already with depression and anxiety. I was diagnosed with havng ADD but the medication brought back my panic attacks so I quit taking the medication. I don't know what to do now. I am extremely overweight now and I spend every dollar that I get in my hands as soon as possible.